people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Randomize
