You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Nicole vs. Life
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
