My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Randomize
