I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
