It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
