i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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