he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
i drank out of a bidet.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
