my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
