my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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