Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
