i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
