I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
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My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
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he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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