I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
