Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Randomize
