He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Randomize
