I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
