i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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