i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
