so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
