mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
the liver wants what the liver wants
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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