filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
