I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize