I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
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