I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
