i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
