Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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