Where is the hickey?
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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