Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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