I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Randomize
