you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Randomize
