u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
