i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
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