Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
