I wanna passion pit in your ass
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
