We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
