So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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