Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
