I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
