I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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