I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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