I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
