I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
