Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Randomize
