You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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