It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
