I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
