I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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