Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
