I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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