Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Randomize
