i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
