I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Randomize
