rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
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