how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
