I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
