I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
