Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I think i peed on brittanys purse
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
