My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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