Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
