i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
