I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
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Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
40s are totally the cure
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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