After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
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Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
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All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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